Why not Me?

By Valeria Voiles

At a time when everyone else was fighting Covid, I was fighting for my life in a very different way. While I stood alone in the shower, a mass-reared its ugly head, and I knew. Trips to get a mammogram and then an immediate ultrasound confirmed my worst fears. I could see the cancer staring back at me from the screen, and my world changed forever.

Numbness. Shock. Never acceptance, but a quiet wondering of why me? I had been blessed with a perfect life, and I understood through this season that I was a very spoiled Christian whose faith had never really been shaken. But canter-it shook my very foundation.

First and foremost, my Pastor was with me every step of the way.  On the day I was diagnosed, he said to me, “I can’t even begin to know how you feel, but I know the One who does!” I came to realize that everyone’s journey is different. As the world slipped into chaos, I sought to learn more about the sacrifice that Jesus made for me.

I began by studying my favorite verses from Ecclesiastes 3:1-17. They comforted me when considering that my time on Earth might be over and challenged me as to how I would want to live my last days serving God. Around that time, a former student reached out to me and shared Psalm 91. My heart focused on verses 14-16. It was hard to accept that death would be my fate. It might be, but it indeed will be. God began a work in my heart for acceptance of my true human morality. Our Savior broke me, and he continues to break me.

Hebrews 11:1-13 reminded me of my faithfulness. When all earthly things are put aside, it comes down to faith and the belief in the sacrifice Jesus made for me. God continually brought me back to our Savior’s suffering. Was I better than the One who died to give me eternal life? Once again, the answer came harshly! I am nothing, and I deserved that horrible death far more than Him. Yet, I had lived my blessed life, never really embracing the pain that he had endured. That sent me into a very dark place for a while. I was so ashamed to have believed in the sacrifice but to have never really embraced the sacrifice. He broke me again.

As I was nearing the last stages of treatment, I finally was ready to read I Peter 4:1-2. It reminded me that I will be with Him when I am no longer in the flesh. It was 1 Peter 4:16 that made me let go of my spoiled defiance and know that as a child of God, I should embrace what He has called me to endure. Like a selfish child, I proclaimed that God did not give me cancer. What I finally realized is that it isn’t about me at all. My life, my journey, and all I am belong to Him and should be used for His glory and nothing less. In John 19:1-30, He suffered. He suffered for me. So, how could I rebel when He, in turn, has asked me to suffer for His glory? He broke me again. Nothing I have gone through will ever compare to His sacrifice, and all that I am asked to endure should be embraced for His glory. My life is His.

I never thought I would be thankful for this season, but I am. Our Savior helped me now question, “Why not me?” and brought a peace that only He can bring. 

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Romans 8:18